My heart is going to EXPLODE.

More to come after I write my paper.

On Judging

<begin rant/>

I am so confused.

I don’t think I’m angry or pissed off. No emotions of rage.

More than anything I am just so confused and hurt.

I have been pouring my heart out trying to make sure everything is going fine… that we have donors, that we have good food, desserts, the sisters and even the brothers are satisfied, that none has complaints.

The sisters are in a TENT where they can’t even be seen, which is fine, but things have to get from the brother’s area to the sister’s area somehow. That’s what the middle sidewalk is for.

Apparently I am getting judged and talked about because I’m on the committee and … I’ll walk to the middle and stand on the pavement so the brothers can hand me the food or I can give them something they need?

How odd. I mean, first off- I’m not doing anything hypocritical. Whether it’s an MSA event or a masjid event or someone needing books or whatever the case may be, I have no problem of “giving” something to a brother or taking something. I don’t stand there and socialize. I don’t ask them “hey, how’s your family doing?”. I don’t chat about the daily news with them. I get what we need and I go back to the sister’s tent.

I even wait until AFTER taraweeh when the brother’s have cleared out for the most part to go into the kitchen so I can clean it, or restock supplies or whatever tasks need to get done.

Second, I just feel so confused that I’m doing something for myself and for the sake of Allah and now I’m getting judged… because I don’t socialize or mingle with guys usually and now I’m handing things off to them for iftaars.

Yes, I have guys on my gchat and I’m fb friends with a lot of guys, and I will talk to them, but I try and be as moderate as I can too in the sense that I don’t go to mixed social events if its in my control or I don’t cross the line with them. I can’t be on one extreme of being socially liberal or even the other extreme of entirely ignoring an entire gender! I mean come on. I have places where I want to be with gender relations and then realistically, I know the place where I am. But good god! I’m trying aren’t I? If that’s enough for me and for Allah swt then why can’t it be enough for others?!?

I just…. blah.. that’s all I can say. Blah. Blah blah blah.

for the first time in my life

I want Ramadan to end or at least for masjid iftaars to end.

Is this shaytaan tricking me to keep me from doing something good? Or is this me finally seeing something after shaytaan’s been tricking me?

It’s so confusing and hard to tell.

I think I’ll just not be at the masjid in the evening from now on iA. I can still do things from my apartment, where it’s 100% brother-free.

I don’t even care enough to talk to the board about it. I don’t care enough to cry in public about it to people I know. (Yes, I realize this is a fairly public blog, but I also know that I don’t give this address out to people in Austin or at UT for the most part and the stats on this blog have been zero for a good few months now so need to worry about that there!) I just needed to rant to a world of strangers who I don’t care would judge me because I know they don’t know me… whereas it confuses me and somewhat hurts me that people I do know WOULD judge me when they DO know me.

Some paradox right?

I don’t want drama. I don’t want people to judge me. I don’t care.

I just want to vent.

<end rant/>

P.S. I am already acknowledging the immaturity of this post well beforehand and I also realize that within about 12 hours of this post, I’ll be so deathly ashamed for feeling like this that maybe I’ll actually write something beneficial or worthwile to make up for the sorryness of this post.

Feeling Lonely?

And sometimes when you feel so alone that it seems you are without a single companion in this world, KNOW that it is Allah’s way of calling you to Him. Your Lord is calling you. Answer Him. Seek His help.

True Love

Bismillah

Allah swt doesn’t take anything away without giving you something better in return, and even though you loved that thing for Allah’s sake, Allah swt may not have loved it for you.

Love the Creator, not the Creation.

May peace and blessings be upon you

On Knowledge

Knowledge is a beautiful concept.

Knowledge distinguishes human beings above other creations.

And Allah swt says in the Qur’an, “He [Allah] taught Adam the names of all things, then He showed them to the Angels and said, ‘Tell Me the names of these if you are truthful’. They (angels) said: ‘Glory be to You, we have no knowledge except what you have taught us. Verily, it is You, the All-Knower, the All-Wise.’ He [Allah] said: ‘O Adam! Inform them of their names.’ “  [1: 31-33]

And he, Adam (as), did inform them of their names.

SubhanAllah. To be a creation that has been given certain knowledge above the Angels.

It feels like an Amaanah… a trust. I have been given certain knowledge and certain capabilities to acquire knowledge. I am trusted-no expected- to seek knowledge and use it to my benefit. A responsibility. It is an obligation.

And the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “Acquiring knowledge is compulsory for every man and woman” (At-Tabarani)

“Acquring”.

It’s an active verb. Present progressive.

That means I should be doing it all the time. In the present. Non-stop. Relentlessly.

It means we acquire when we are young, when we are in our prime, and when we reach old age.

Let’s be realistic. We all have our roles. We all can’t be scholars.

But we ALL must seek knowledge. We are all STUDENTS of knowledge- be it secular or Islamic.

Then again… I find all knowledge in some way or form to be Islamic. Is belief in secular knowedge not part of my submission, part of my faith? My knowledge of science, math, english, and history are all important in understanding my purpose.

Can knowledge be inconsequential?

I know I’d find critiques claiming that there is such a thing as useful knowledge and useless knowledge.

To that I’d say, it is beyond me to try to understand why Allah would give us knowledge of inconsequence. Perhaps it is a test from Allah. Our ability to filter the good from the bad and to use it to our benefit is a test. Perhaps everything, even what we deem inconsequential has an importance in the structure of our lives and purpose. Allahu alam.

The more I think and try to know, the more I feel like I know nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Nothing is certain to me except Islam, the Quran and the Sunnah. Nothing is certain except La ilaha illallah, Muhammadur rasulullah. There is no god but Allah and Muhammad (peace be upon him) is the Messenger of Allah.

The ability to know is a mind-boggling concept. Just the fact that I can sit here and type my thoughts is a mind-boggling concept. I’m thinking.

I have been given an intellect, REASON, creativity, and so much more.

Thinking. Evaluating. Analyzing. Critiquing.

Reading. Listening. Watching.

Doing. Teaching.

Knowing.

We can do all of these things! We can do things other creations can’t! We can make decisions and choose. We can think. It’s amazing realizing the potential of the human mind.

There is so much I want to know!!!

I want to know Arabic. I want to know the Quran. I want to know history! The history of Islam, the history of empires, the history of cultures. I want to KNOW what is going on on the other side of the world and not just think I know. I want to understand Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Palestine, Sudan, Indonesia, Thailand, India, Pakistan, Iraq, Iran, the Koreas, Russia, and Afghanistan. How does the financial system in the U.S. REALLY work? How does the Islamic finance system work? What exactly IS sufism? Who were all the great female scholars of the past? How do watches work? WHY do the Chinese have no alphabet?!?

Man, I can’t even list everything I want to know. I’d have to spend the rest of the semester typing this list out.

So much information out there for us to seek! It’s waiting to be sought. That is the purpose of information- to be learned, applied and transmitted.

I ALWAYS think of  this story, and how no matter how long my life is, I will still die with the knowledge of hardly anything.

Al Khidr and Musa (as) were on a boat and a bird came to the surface of the sea, opened it mouth and swallowed a bit of water.

Al Khidr said to Musa (as) “did you see how that bird drank that drop from the sea?”

Musa (as) replied with an affirmation.

And Al Khidr said “The drop of water that the bird drank from the sea is equivalent to the knowledge of BOTH you and me in comparison to the sea of knowledge of Allah (swt).”

Musa (as) and Al Khidr were the two wisest men of their time, and yet THEIR knowledge in comparison to the knowledge of Allah was absolutely insignificant.

I’ve accepted that there is very little that I will know in this world. But on the Day of Judgment, I want to be able to stand in front of Allah (swt) and tell Him that I tried.

The Prophet (saws) would make a du’a in the morning. When the Prophet, peace be upon him, woke he would say, “There is no god but You, glory be to You. O Allah, I seek Your forgiveness of my sins, and ask for Your mercy. O Allah, increase me in knowledge and let not my heart deviate after You have guided me on the right path. Grant me mercy from You, for You are the Grantor of bounties without measure.”

May Allah (swt)  forgive our sins, increase us in beneficial knowledge and provide us sufficient provisions.

And may the peace and blessings of God be upon you.

P.S. I am officially back =)

Accountability

A friend told me this narration last night:

When Abu Bakr as-Siddiq (RA) was Khalifah, he was once working on a document by candle light. Someone came to him to ask him a question. Abu Bakr (RA) blew out his candle, took out another one and lit that one up. He asked the person what their question was and the person instead asked him why he lit a different candle. Abu Bakr (RA) replied by saying that the candle he had previously lit belonged to the Ummah.

SubhanAllah.

Abu Bakr, one of the ten guaranteed Jannah, didn’t want to be held accountable  on the Day of Judgement for something as trivial as using a candle for personal use.

Accountability

What does that even mean?

It means I will have to answer for every comment I leave on facebook.

I will have to answer for every late night gtalk/aim/facechat conversation.

Every movie, every song, every television show, every book… everything, I will have to answer for it on Yaum al-Qiyyamah.

Every piece of advice I give to someone.

Every decision through a leadership position.

Every action I make.

That’s a lot of stuff to have to answer for one day.

In all honesty, I think I lost sight of that.

Reading that narration and thinking about what it meant, it sent chills down through out my body.

A weird feeling

I just have a weird feeling…

How To: Offend Your Entire Philosophy Class

Philosophy is unbearably unbearable.

It’s ridonculous, that’s what it is.

But before I go on, let me give you a background of what exactly I’m dealing with here.

I’m in Plan II Honors [insert lame Plan II joke here] at UT. It’s an interdisciplinary liberal arts, writing component degree, which focuses on classical renaissance education with a modern twist. It’s basically the most useless degree in the world unless you’re double/triple majoring or intending on further education, i.e., med school, law school, grad school, business etc…

Basically, my degree teaches me how to write B.S. pretty darn well.

My Plan II peers for the most part, do not share this sentiment. They think Plan II is the greatest degree in the world.

We’re talking about the private prep school kids who all have trust funds and ’speak’ Latin (but honestly, how do you speak a dead language), carrying $600 purses, who listen to ONLY indie music, because anything else is unintellectual and meaningless. They stand on their ivory towers, with their loaded words, championing for world peace and equality, when they don’t know it’d mean giving up their $600 purses.

I know, my criticism is harsh. Clearly, ALL of them are not pretentious punks. Some of them are cool and aight, but most are intolerable. Basically, everyone else at UT hates Plan II kids, and I do too. Call me a conformist.

All of that being said, you can only imagine now how torturous it is to sit in a class full of them discussing the arrogant man’s past time, every Tuesday and Thursday from 9:30 am to 11 am, with a discussion on Wednesdays from 9 am to 10 am. I hope this falls under the “expiation of sins through punishment in this world” category.

For all of you souls out there who share my conviction about philosophy, I have compiled a guide to get us through the year (YES! how unfortunate for me, for Plan II makes me take not one, but TWO semesters of philosophy!).

Note Bene: All of my tips will work better if you are a bearded fellow or a hijabi.

(You see how I used Latin there, when I could have just said ‘note well’?)

With out further ado…

_______________________________________________________________

How To: Offend Your Entire Philosophy Class

A guide to successfully leaving every class period without leaving angry, bitter or soulless. Take it one day at a time.

1. The Set-Up Question.

Philosophy is very discussion based. Your professor will sometimes ask you questions called “Set-up Questions” where s/he asks you a simple question as a set-up for further questioning. What do you do here? You NIP IT IN THE BUD! You do this by giving her a ludicrous, drawn-out, epiphany-mocking answer. Do NOT entertain him/her!

Example:

Professor: What did you have for breakfast today?

Student: What exactly IS breakfast? Is it a meal you eat in the morning? Or is it a meal after a long period of not eating? If it’s a meal you eat in the morning, and I have been eating all night, is it still considered breakfast? And If I fast all day because it’s the Holy month of Ramadan, and then I break my fast at sunset, is my dinner now really breakfast? IS IT?!?! I mean, WHO KNOWS!?! OMG I LOVE PHILOSOPHY!

2. Be Philosophically Blasphemous

True story, I swear it happened. We were in discussion and conversing about what Socrates meant by “An unexamined life is not a life worth living.” The conclusion my brilliant class came up with was that any person who holds contradictory beliefs has not fully examined their life, and by virtue of Socrates, lives an unfulfilled life. The TA’s example was: If you eat meat, but think it’s cruel to eat animals that have inhumanely been killed, then you’re contradicting yourself and should stop eating meat.

Then I said that “On that logic, 80% of shoes are made in sweat shops, so forget about meat, we should all stop wearing shoes. And why do we care what Socrates thinks anyway?”

The whole class just *GASPS*

Wallahi, everyone in the class except my best friend/room mate gasped like I had just made a Holocaust joke.

And then one girl pipes up and says as-a-matter-of-factly, “We CARE because Socrates was a smart man who DIED for his convictions, and that’s noble.”

For everyone you read (Plato, Aristotle, Kant, Mills, Hume, Milton, Nietzsche etc…) ask, “Why do we care what [insert name] thinks anyway?

Philosophical Blasphemy. I didn’t know that existed. LOL. whoops.

3. Partner In Crime

As I mentioned above, my room mate is in my philosophy class. We’re the most odd pair on campus, I’d say. I walk around fully dressed and in a hijab, not styling at ALL. She walks right next to me in her shorts and tank top, totally ‘cute and stylish.’ People stare at us, but I don’t think it’s cuz of the hijab.

Everyone needs a partner in crime.

This way, when one person says something the other one can back that person up so you don’t look like a complete jerk.

4. The Imaginary Friend

Sit in the back of the class. When your teacher says something philosophically profound, usually it’s the climax of any argument, just start giggling/laughing/snickering/coughing/sneezing and then when the whole class turns around to look at you, you turn around too and say “shhhh stop it Bob, or I’m taking you home.”

5. Be One of Them, Only Worse

Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, right?

Be one of them, only infinitely worse.

Ask questions that SOUND philosophical and important. Ask a lot of them.

ASK SO MANY OF THEM that your professor digresses and/or the class gets distracted.

6. Sparknotes

Sparknote all of the literature. Don’t bother reading it. Then, when your professor says something regardring the reading, say, “I read that on sparknotes too! Are you BabyLuv6969?”

7. Real Classes

Be a little quieter than usual in discussion. When your TA asks you a question, ask him to repeat it because you were thinking about something else. “I’m taking REAL classes too, you know. Like Organic Chem and Phyiscs… Do philosophers believe in chemistry and physics?”

8. Outlandish Statements

Say things like “I HATE INTOLERANCE!”

or

“A wise philosopher once said, ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions.’ Oh wait.. that was Madonna.”

Be creative, but make it applicable to what you’re actually doing in class.

_______________________________________________________________

Alright, that’s all for now because I have to go study for my Organic chem test. You know… my REAL classes.

I’ll update as I learn more survival tricks.

Take care all

WHAT?!?!

Have 15 days of Ramadan already passed?

For seriously, this year Ramadan is going by quickly.

AHHHHHH must. resist. music.

SI SE PUEDE!

Take a deep breath…

In the name of God, the Most Merciful, Most Kind.

I’m sorry. I haven’t blogged in a while. I’m sorry baby, I just haven’t had time. It’s not that I’ve been ignoring you… I’ve thought about you a LOT these past few weeks. I got carried away and so busy, but I’m gonna make a better effort.

I can’t believe it’s only been about three weeks since classes have started.

I have been so ridiculously busy. I’m gonna skip on the Incredibalism Part Two, and imprint that night in my mind forever. Just know.. weird things keep happening to me!

A recap of my life:

I moved apartments.

My car broke down. The ‘electronic throttle’ stopped working, which just happens to be a really expensive part that like… never breaks. yay for that. Finally got it fixed after a bunch of headache.

I have 8 am classes. ‘ereday. It’s good because by 1, I’m done almost every day. It’s so tiring though. TOTALLY throwing off my entire life schedule… haha or I guess putting my life schedule back on the prescribed path? I’m taking Organic chem, Physics II, Philosophy and Med term. O chem is kind of fun. Physics is going well because we’re doing electrical physics right now which is so incredibly awesome. I hate philosophy. I have only been to med-term twice.

When I’m not doing schoolwork, I’m doing MSA stuff.

MSA is basically consuming my life.

We had the Welcome Iftaar last Saturday which alhamdulillah rocked the house!

We had our first iftaar halaqa yesterday, which by the grace of Allah turned out well, but oh man do we have to go back and reevaluate our planning strats on that one.

You have NO idea how much planning and grunt work there is to putting on these events. Ridonculous.

I’m outreach director.. so I’m in charge of all of our events that cater to non muslims. The first one is on Wed called “How We Pray and What We Say.” Then Oct 15th is Fast-A-Thon. Yes, I know that it won’t be in Ramadan.

After that, I’m coordinating the sisters self defense class.

Then I gotta get next semesters events in order, which inshaAllah, if everything works out right will be an awesome line up.

We just officially started the Ramadan Orphan Drive yesterday. Alhamdulillah in just abour 30 minutes in between Jummahs, students donated enough  money to collectively sponsor one orphan already! Allahu Akbar! InshaAllah we are gonna sponsor at least four. That is the goal right now.

Oh.. and then I table like everyday. It’s hard in Ramadan. It just dehydrates me and exhausts me… but I gotta help my babygirl Hira the public relations chica out cuz she slaves out there more than me.

OHSPEAKINGOFGIRLS.

Somehow I’ve turned into this unintentional social butterfly?!?!

I think it’s from tabling.. and being everywhere in MSA. They are amazing girls, and I want to be there for them whenever they need me. I just … I don’t know.. it’s a new feeling. I’m usually not that sociable, but now I sort of am?

My friend list on fb is bumpin though… lol

And I’m having an iftaar party at my apartment tonight.

For seriously though, the sister-sister bonding is like exponentially better than it was last year. It feels good.

Ramadan is SOOOOOOOOO awesome. I’ve been going to taraweeeh. I missed a few days, but inshaAllah I’ll be pickin that back up tonight. I haven’t listened to music or watched tv since Ramadan started. It’s liberating. I need to put more time into my Quran though. I realize now, that when I read it, I’m going slower and just.. savoring the words which means I’m spending longer times on each juz.

Hijaab is going better than ever. I am sooooooooooo glad X 10^23 that I started wearing hijaab. It’s the best thing in the world. If you haven’t started yet, but you’ve thought about it and you’re just too afraid/scared/worried about the change, let me tell you that in no time, you’ll be soooo used to it, and it WILL make you feel good about yourself and Islam. (Yes, I know that was a long sentence but it’s still gramatically correct… check it =D) But that’s neither here nor there. I’ll save a hijab post for a rainy day (which considering that punk Ike, might be tomorrow lol).

Speaking of hijaab, you know how we never stop evolving as people? Like there is always something MORE that can be done.

It’s a loooong process… it takes a while to get where you want to be.

Short-sleeves –> long sleeves –> hijaab –> maybe one day abayah inshaAllah.

Started out as friends with guys –> make friends with girls –> phase out the nonmuslim guys –> friends with Muslim girls –> deleting AIM (Yes I deleted my AIM, and after my decision to start hijaab, it’s the next best decision I’ve made!) –> ….

Now it’s time to phase out my Muslim brothas from different mothas too.

See.. it’s not that lines are being crossed. Alhamdulillah, all the guys at UT are INSANELY respectful.  I just don’t want to be their friend. lol does that sound as bad as it came out? I want to maintain a strictly professional relationship with them.

Yes, I have to interact with guys on a daily basis because 6/10 of the Exec Commitee Officers for MSA are dudes.

The goal is to communicate with the opposite gender as if I were married, you know? Total lowering of the gaze, less joking around, more conscious of my behavior.

And I think that is how it should be.

I never had to deal with an issue like THIS before, so I’m treading new waters. I can’t totally phase them out cold turkey because 1) They are good people who are respectful and there to help you with the right intentions and 2) I HAVE to seem them on a daily basis practically.

—- Side note: It’s taking me literally like 3 hours to write this post because I keep having to do MSA stuff via gmail, text and phone.. isn’t that sad?—

Yeah

So that’s what I’ve been up to for the past few weeks.

I miss my mom… I wanna go HOME SO BADLY. InshaAllah next week.

Peace and blessings be upon you!

P.S. What in the world is up with the Ramadan section on CY? It’s practically dead. Major weak sauce!